My Second Lease on Life

December 17, 2008: It was a Wednesday. It supposed to be a good day for me.

I was so ecstatic to drive 30 miles [or so] to Sanford for contract signing and work briefing for the [very] first job I was accepted for since I came here in the United States. Being a bum and jobless stay-at-home wife for almost 2 years, it meant so much to me. Hubby missed work just to go with me to Sanford because he was worried about the road condition. We had a snow storm the night before and roads were really shitty bad. It was my first winter driving and I had no idea what slushy road meant much less how it felt like behind the wheel. But I got to do what I had to. I need to learn how to drive in winter roads.

Maine is very beautiful in winter time. It is picture perfect especially after a snow storm. It is like a life-size greeting card with me on it all bundle up. But beyond that beauty lays a treacherous road that I was not so familiar with. Black Ice season is totally unheard of from where I came from. I am so used to dusty roads which sometimes caused zero visibility and frying-pan-hot pavements in 80 degrees tropical backdrop. But that's all about it. Road accidents are usually caused by crazy motorists and not because of bad road conditions [or maybe on some isolated cases].

It already stopped snowing and the sun started to show up when I hit the road. But the roads were still covered with white powdery snow flakes that made it impossible for me to see the yellow lines in the middle of the road. It made it tough for me to know where the road ends and where the ditch begins. It made it hard for me to realize too that the plummeting temperature made the road slushy and icy. Needless to say, the snow storm made the road’s condition even worse because we still have not gotten over yet with the ice storm that caused statewide power outages the week before.

Everything happened so fast. I drove back home after I signed the contract and stopped a couple of times at the stores to do the rest of my Christmas shopping. I hit the road back on right after without any hint of the fate we were about to have in the next couple of miles ahead. I had no clue that I was driving right on the ditch until Hubby alarmed me. I didn’t know the difference because the road was all covered in white and I didn’t know how it feels like when the tires are spinning. When I went back on the road, the tires started to spin and as I stirred the wheel the car slid sideways going to the opposite lane. My mind, my hands and my foot seemed to be uncoordinated and my heart started to sink. At that moment I knew deep inside where we were heading. Hubby was hollering about something that I can’t figure out or maybe I was already totally disoriented because the stirring wheel seemed to have a mind of its own. Next thing I knew Hubby grabbed the stirring wheel trying to straighten it up so I let it go while my foot jammed on the break. There was indeed nothing we both could do to get the car back on the right side of the road. My poor car went straight to the ditch on the other side of the road and hit the huge pine tree head on. My heart stopped. My right knee felt as if someone hit it with a hammer. My hands were numbed but shaking. My whole body was trembling. Tears came running down my checks. I was totally scared and I just shut my eyes and sobbed.

But there was something wrong. There was one thing that definitely wrong. I didn’t hear anything… not even the sound of the crash or the impact of the car hitting that big pine tree. I know I was screaming… "Oh, God! Oh, God! No! No!" But that… I didn’t even seem to hear too. I knew I was crying but not because I was hurt. I was crying because I was seeing in my mind that Hubby was pinned down on the passenger’s seat covered with blood and motionless. I saw that image in my mind for a couple of minutes. Then I started to gain my hearing back. I started to hear the squeaking sound of the branches of the trees as the briskly wind blew hard. I started to feel cold. And I started to open my eyes to see what had just happened. I looked on the passenger’s seat. It was empty. The door was open and Hubby was not there. I shut my eyes again and sobbed harder. I could hear myself screaming and sobbing all at the same time. Next thing I knew, Hubby was on my side. He managed to get out of the car… went to my side… opened my door… and checked on me. He was hugging me and asking me if I was alright... if I was hurt. I opened my eyes. Having realized what was really going on at that very instant, I sobbed harder and hugged him so tight... thankful that he was alright.

I cried hard enough that made Hubby more worried than ever. I cried hard because I was so relief that Hubby was by my side alive and hugging me. I cried hard because I was so glad that we were both safe and unharmed.

I managed to get out of the car as soon as I got the strength to pull myself out of the driver’s seat. It was freezing cold but I could taste the saltiness of my perspiration [or was it my tears]. Hubby already called 911 and our insurance agent but still I couldn’t believe that he was standing beside me with his free arm wrapped around my cold body. At that particular instant all I was thinking was… how blessed we are to have survived such mishap.

Indeed, God is good for sending us his angels to protect us. I was so grateful for all those people who stopped offering us help and assistance. And I am grateful that I was given a second chance to appreciate how fragile life is.

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My Father was Never Around

It’s my father’s birthday today. If he was alive, he is already 75 years old. If he was still around, he would have been asking me practically everyday [online] if I am having a baby yet. If he was still alive, he would have been waiting for me all day to go online so I could talk to him. If he was still alive, he would have been looking at my photo albums all the time whether from our countless collections or in my Friendster account. If he was still alive, I wouldn’t have to miss him this much.

I have some vivid recollections of my father as I and my two brothers were growing up. Though my memories of him are not that much because he was away most of our growing up years but still we cherish those memories. He left the country when I was in 4th Grade and worked in a ship as a Seaman for 20 long years. I was already working when he finally retired and put up a printing business. It was his dream-come-true kind of business.

My father was not around when I was growing up. He missed a lot of those special and significant events in my life. He was not there when I graduated from Elementary. He was not there when I graduated from High School. He was not there when I graduated from College. And he is already gone when I graduated from Graduate School and received my Master’s Degree. He was never around because he worked so hard to send us to school.

I hardly know my father though I know that he loved music. He loved to sing to me and my two brothers when we were kids. He loved to play the harmonica and we were his only audience. But I don’t know if he knew how to dance. I have never seen him dance. I never had the chance to dance with him and had a "Father and Daughter Dance" number. He was not around when I turned 18th. And he is already gone when I got married. He was never around because he worked hard to give us a good life.

It’s my father’s birthday today and I had no recollection how he celebrated his birthdays when he was still around. He usually celebrated his birthday on the ship. And he had never attended any of his kids’ birthdays too. When he was home for a short vacation, it was always a time where there was nothing to celebrate at all. There were only about a couple of Christmases that we celebrated with him. And we celebrated their Silver Wedding Anniversary a month late because it was the only time that he got his vacation. He was never around to enjoy life because we was busy working to give as a happy life.

My father may not be around now but I do know that he is very much around in spirit. He is very much around when I feel sad. He is very much around when I am afraid. He is very much around when I am homesick. He is very much around when I am happy. My father was not always around when he was still alive but he was always there when we needed him.

Happy Birthday Dad... Thank you for not being around. I love you much and I miss you.

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The Last Breakfast

He woke me up a little late than usual that early morning of March 1996. The sun was already up and blinding my eyes as it flooded my room with warm bright light. It was already a quarter passed six in the morning and it was not a good sign. It meant that I was already late for work. So, I hurriedly jumped out of my bed and sprinted my way to the bathroom. The cold water instantaneously woke my sleeping consciousness up and that gave me my needed tug to come around. My time in the bathroom was short compared to my normal routine. After the quick cold bath, I did everything I got to do that morning all so quickly to get things done with the little time I had in my hand.

As I was coming down the stairs I saw him sitting on the coach with his hands on his head and his elbows leaning on his knees. He seemed not feeling well. I thought maybe he was just still sleepy. He was usually up by 3 in the morning and already working on some printing orders in his workshop while the rest of the world was still sound asleep. He would prepare breakfast at around 4 o’clock while Minerva [the printing machine] was still running and printing on its own. He usually woke me up around 4:30 AM so I could take a warm bath because I still need to get the heater ready for that. I was usually having breakfast by 5:30 AM and out of the house [with my packed lunch which he also prepared as he made my breakfast] by quarter to six. And when I come home from work at around 6 pm, a warm and hearty supper was already waiting for me to feast on.

He woke me up a little late that morning. Unlike before, he did not walk me to the door like he used to do every morning when I leave for work. And that morning I vividly hear what he said as I was about to walk to the door. I can vividly remember he said… "I guess you have to make your own breakfast tomorrow."

It was indeed the last breakfast that he cooked for me and the last breakfast that I would ever treasure… because that night Dad passed away.

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Of Patriotic Clowns and Political Circus

I don’t know about you… but Election Season is the season I hate most. Election season is indeed the most unfavorable season of all. I am so tired of the election campaign. This is the season for digging up skeletons from the closets. This is the season to glorify no one but the politicians themselves. This is the season for that orchestrated pageantry of opinionated and highly infuriating spectacle of double-faced political actors who are ready to gulp down each others’ opponent in permissible passion.

This is the season for “I-am-and-You-are-not”. You know what I mean… I am – good at this and that… I am – responsible for this one and that one… I am – the one who started this thing and that thing. And you are not – like me who is more educated in taxes… you are not – like me who is more knowledgeable when it come to economy… you are not – like me who has the power to give peace to this country.

Some people have their own way of dealing with their own narcissistic, egotistical and self-centered scheme to convince other people that they are the best persons in the job. Some people will do their best without a hint of guilt to discredit other people just to establish their personal interests. And some people will go a great length to uplift themselves for self-glorification to get people’s vote.

What values do we get from all of this? What do we teach our youth when they see the politicians blaming each other for all the mistakes that they themselves did? And why no one is taking responsibility for all the mistakes they were responsible for? Election is a game of charade for high-class patriotic [as they always claim] clowns who are willing to sacrifice [again, as they also claim] for the love of the country. And our youth are the one who will always take the blow.

In fairness with other politicians… some of them are really good… some of them are really doing their job well… and some of them are really dedicated to serve the people and the country. The only problem is that… those politicians who are not-that-good can drag those good ones down just like a rotten apple in the basket.

Election season will be over in a week’s time. People will vote for the candidates who they believe are saying the truth. People will make their choices and will hope that their choices are the best for the country. And people will once again put their trust on those candidates who promise that they will serve them. The question now is… will they keep their promises?

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Inspiration… anyone?

Inspiration… I need inspiration! That was the first word I typed. That was the first word the came out in my mind. That was the first word that I guess I should deal with today. Inspiration – that was the first thought that popped up as I was looking at the blank page of this MS Word program where I was typing on.

You and I need inspiration [or I was just guessing]. People need inspiration [at least I believe so]. Everybody needs inspiration [or maybe not everyone]. But the question is... do we really need inspiration to be able to do anything? Is inspiration hard to come by? Will I ever feel or touch or taste it? Is there a sign that will give me a clue that I already have it?

“I need inspiration.” That’s what I say as I prepared to write down my thoughts for today. I don’t know if I really need one or I really just don’t have any idea of what to write about. So in that case... I was bluffing. But oftentimes I ask the same question before I start any project or any chore that I have to do. So in that case... it is habitual. Maybe I just wanted to psyche myself up so that ideas would come pouring like rain. So in that case... I was just plain clueless. Or better yet, I just use it as a cliché to jumpstart my brain to thinking of something to write about. So in that case... I am a nut case. But then, maybe I was wrong. A lot of times, I am wrong about a lot of things. And in that case... I am doomed! Big time!

“People need inspiration.” I wonder... [inspiration started coming] did Michelangelo have an inspiration when he sculpted David to perfection or when he painted The Last Judgment on the altar wall of Sistine Chapel? Did Shakespeare have any inspiration that led him to pen one of the greatest love stories ever told? And what about Bill Gates? Was it also inspiration that led him to come up with the idea of creating Microsoft software [that we bloggers are enjoying right now] and made him the 3rd richest man in the world? Now, I really wondering [inspiration kept coming].

“Everybody needs inspiration.” In this crazy world we live in, inspiration can disguise itself as hope to make life livable. In these tough times, inspiration can give us the strength to be strong. And with all the uncertainties that we encounter with our personal battle in life, inspiration helps us to stay steadfast and resilient.

Inspiration… we all need inspiration! Inspiration comes in all shape… size… and color. Inspiration can be anything from tangible to illusive… from substantial to deceptive… from significant to delusional. There are a lot of questions still left unanswered when we talk about inspiration and we can go on and on and on. But one thing is sure… YOU CAN ALWAYS BE AN INSPIRATION TO OTHERS! You only have to make that choice.

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I am so blogging now... again

I am a compulsive blogger [whatever that means]. I have 8 blogs of my own that need equal attention. I have several other blogs that I babysit – 4 for my baby brother, 2 more for my cousin and 5 for my former school and l also co-author 2 more blogs [My Pink Notes and Bizarre Marriage] of my friend who is now on vacation. And I am running out of time… words… and sanity.

Blogging gives me time to reflect… aspire… inspire… and whine about the things I see… I feel… I taste… I smell… and I dream about. Blogging is a way of life to me now that it is more convenient and accessible. Blogging gives me the freedom to express my sentiments over things that matter most to me or worse… condemn them. Blogging provides me power to articulate my deepest emotion to get my ideas across or worse… attack the issue with the same power to get result. Blogging offers me an opportunity to communicate without hesitations or better… transcends barriers limited by geographical obstacle. And blogging helps me keep my sanity intact or worse… makes me insane.

Blogging is my refuge. And My REFUGE [this blog] is one of the oldest blogs I created. And when I started adding one blog after another… this baby was neglected. Of course I have alibis but it doesn’t justify the fact that I can be negligent of this baby… or worse, totally get rid of it. I am a hoarder. I just can’t let go of this one. I need to keep it because I know someday I will need it. And to prove my point, I even made a facelift on it. I dressed it up with new header design and new template with new color and lay-out that I found at ourBLOGGERTemplate.com. And more importantly, I am soooo posting today. Yep, I am so blogging here now because the last post I had was… almost 6 months ago.

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The reality of reality shows

I’m not a big fan of reality shows. It bores me. The storyline sucks. The actors are pretentious. But there are people who are addictive to it. Others are amused by it. And some are simply have nothing else to watch. Still the world is watching. Big businesses benefit from it through commercial airing. Participants from it get the exposure they need to get their aspirations go to the next level. And T.V. Shows producers get rich.

The proliferation of the reality shows could be blamed for the alteration of imbedded values. Morality has been altered. What is immoral before is way too acceptable now. Some social values and principles have been modified to gain commercial value which in the past was too precious and priceless.

True love is now a quest between a hot guy/gal and a hoard of aspirants/contestant/wannabes vying for the big prize… the “Hottie” and a million dollar. Nice huh? What ever happened to true love?

What about privacy? Don’t people give a damn about privacy now? Poor Brittney. Is it now the norm to live a life where the entire universe is watching your every move? Big brothers are big losers. No matter how hard one tries to live a normal life [in reality or otherwise], still you need to put an act because at the back of your mind… you know the camera is rolling. And you will be judged one way or another.

And what’s with survivors? What’s with all these people doing the craziest things to survive what? An entire season of competitive foolishness? Don’t we all struggling to survive everyday of our lives just trying to make both ends meet? Is completing a task harder than figuring out how to put food on the table especially if you have 5 mouths to feed and earning below minimum wage? Which is harder? Eating live worms or not eating at all? At the end of the day… those survivors who ate the worms were probably given hearty meals behind the camera and those people [who watched them] have nothing to eat and have to spend the night with their stomach still empty and rumbling.

Reality takes a big toll on people’s life or is it the other way around? Real living is a process of discovery… of adaptation… of survival. And so we must re-discover life every chance we get… adapt to life to have a chance to live… and survive to get another chance to do things all over again. Change in reality is the only permanent thing in life and we must accept that. The reality of life is changing and changing life is for real.

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lighthouses... strawberry fields... and cold summer nights

Airborne at 35,000 miles above sea level, the view from top was scary yet breath-taking. It was a Tuesday, the 29th day of May 2007 in the eastern time zone and Continental Airlines Boeing 747 was cruising steadily (with a few turbulence, though) above what seemed to be an endless ocean of ice-capped mountain peaks and snow-powdered Alaska Range moving on across the Canadian Shield heading down to the impressive gentle hills and peaks of the Appalachian Mountains in east coast mainland USA. It was a sight to behold but the 12-hour flight from Tokyo, Japan to Newark, New Jersey was too exhausting for me to appreciate the majestic landscape below. I have never traveled more than eight thousand miles until now. The long queues of tourists and immigrants alike from all over the world (I was guessing) at the US Port of Entry in Newark waiting to be interrogated by the US Immigration Officers made my day longer if not more taxing. But the ordeal ended instantaneously when I was airborne again after 3 hours of rigid inspection at the Custom and was sitting-pretty at the belly of yet another smaller aircraft northeast-bound of the northern hemisphere. My destination... the 23rd state of the United States of America and the biggest state in the New England Region... Maine.

It was 11:30pm and the plane touched down on the dot. I was lucky that all my flights were on time or else I might be rotting pretty good. Shortly, I saw that familiar face again. That same face that used to cheer me up every time I go online. Those hazel eyes that drove me to jot down some of my inspired thoughts again on blog and other online literary postings (like this one). My soon-to-be-hubby was an hour early waiting for me at the lobby of Portland International Jetport anticipating my grand arrival, so to speak. It didn't take long before we were able to locate my three red luggage and soon afterwards they were dumped at the back of his GMC Sierra and I was comfortably strapped at the passenger's seat going to Ogunquit, York County.

Maine is one of the best places I have been to so far. Definitely different from the four other places I've been and specifically more significant too. Maine is considered as the "easternmost town of the United States of America" maybe because it is at the border of Canada and at the upper eastern tip of the North American continent [geographically speaking]. It is composed of 16 counties. It has a total land area of 33,215 sq. miles with a total of only over a million populations and a ratio that sums up to 41 persons per square mile. Maine has 6,000 lakes and ponds [with over 3 thousand miles and 200 miles of shoreline and coastline, respectively] where its people go ice-fishing on wintertime and where water sports Yankees cool down on summertime. It is where its people get their most famous livelihood and produce... lobsters. It has lots of rivers to explore too. It also has 17 million acres of forest where many Mainers go for moose (the state's animal), deer, bear and turkey hunting - their number one past-time. Yes, hunting is big-time here. It's a sport and a hobby that most Mainers have grown up to. But you can't just go hunting here, one need to get a license to be able to do so for there are rules to follow and there are specific seasons and places to do it. So much for the animal rights crusaders around, for you can't be heard here, you are definitely out-numbered by the hunters.

Maine's mountains are rich in minerals and gemstones... tourmaline being the state's gemstone is a real beauty and precious. Mining is not just one of the biggest industries here... it's a past-time and a hobby as well for many adventure-seekers. Maine's forest is rich in pine trees (white pine the state's tree), that is why it is called the Pine State. Many tourists from out-of-state and neighboring Canada come here to enjoy summertime for Maine is called Vacationland too. Being so, it never fails to live up to that expectation for summer in Maine is cool and light. Cool summer nights are good for camping and there are lots of campsites around the state. Campers and RVs trekking the main roads are a common sight because summertime in Maine means fun time. I came to Maine when it was almost at the end of spring and the beginning of summer, and that... was something. I was awed by the experience. The landscape changes dramatically as we drove from one county to another. Miles and miles of mono-chromatic green rolling hills covered in thick pine and maple trees surrounding pristine blue lakes and rivers and countless watershed are always awesome and picture-perfect. Acres and acres of valleys covered with hay or grass peppered with tiny yellow and white daisies seemed to look like a huge live painting. And from that day on, I knew, I will never get tired of looking at those scenic places here for each time we visit or drive by the same place over and over again, it feels like I been there the first time... always. Maine is always changing, always enticing, and always captivating.

Augusta is the capital of the state but Portland is the biggest city. Cities here are not like any other cities in the world. It could get really busy at rush hour and traffic jam is not totally a new thing in the main streets but it is still a little bit laid back and more relaxed. You can't see high towering buildings here or skyscrapers like in other industrialized and modern cities of the world. Here, simplicity is not an issue; it's the way of life. Colonial style buildings and architecture give the state a rustic feel to the city. While white or gray pointed church steeples seen from afar sticking out from the bushy, shaggy and leafy branches of pines and maple trees from a cozy neighborhood give a hint of a distinct New England appeal. The cities are indeed enchanting yet down-to-earth... surreal yet natural... seductive yet evasive.

Maine has a certain charm about it, a distinct beauty and character that captivated my heart from day one. The crisp cool breeze certainly sent shiver to my spine but the sunshine gave my cold cheeks a gentle warm caress. Maine is where I will be for the next five years or so. And that is not an understatement. Having said so, I know I have to be ready for what it takes. There are lots of things I need to learn here [like driving a mile or two just to go to the store to get a Power Ball (lottery) ticket or an ice cream, perhaps]... a lot of things I need to adjust to [like the weather, for it really is freezing up here even in summertime (the time frame of this post for wintertime is indeed another story to tell or write)]... a lot of things I need to get used to [like waking up to the chirping sound of the chickadee (the state's bird), seeing a herd of deer munching on my hubby's vegetable garden, or a couple of squirrels and chipmunks in our driveway chewing on maple seeds, or having a rafter of wild turkeys looking for a place to spend a night in our backyard, or simply meeting papa bear (sometimes with mama bear and baby bear tagging along) crossing the street]... a lot of things I look forward to [like strawberry and blueberry picking, shopping for flowers and vegetables seeds, boating, fishing, camping, hiking, gold panning and tourmaline mining]... and a lot of things I will never get tired of [like visiting the light houses (there are more than 20 of it all over the state and they are gorgeous for I was married in one of them, the historical Portland Head Light which was built in 1786 way before George Washington became the first president of the United States)]. Maine is unpredictable and full of surprises. It is cold and yet with a calming warmth. It is here where my life takes a whole new world... a whole new experience... a whole new existence.

Maine is definitely a new place for me... a new life... a new beginning. Maine is where my home now. And Maine is where my heart will be... for now.

(NOTED: This was first published at naggingTHOUGHTS on September 23, 2007)

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Confession of an endangered Spinster (Part 1)

I am not really sold to the idea that love takes time. Being impatient and trained to live life in the fast-track, I want everything pronto. For me, waiting is not a welcome choice it is simply an alibi to evade something to save one's face from the reality of being misplaced.

I have 42 years of life experiences so far with all the right trimmings that made me what and who I am now. I have led a life full of hopes and dreams which are the very foundation of a life well-lived. I also had my fair share of romance on the side besides my eagerness to "fit in" in a society where career and achievements are the basic qualifications to be accepted as an aspiring and highly-motivated individual in the corporate world where money, power and greed reign supreme. I succeed. But I was restless still. And with all the troubles I put up with my desire to reach the top of the corporate ladder, I got confused half-way on my way up.

And then I came to a point when I literally needed a panic-room to shield myself from all the pressures of what my controlling world had put me up into. I was lonely, starved, poor, and felt unloved. I almost forgot that there is more to life than work, parties, shopping, and being complacent with routine.

Reality check did a great job when all my friends got married and have babies one after another (except for one). That gave me no other choice but to dream dreams. The feeling of being there, witnessing their exchange of vows... feeling their bliss... and overwhelmed by their own happiness somehow gave me a funny feeling of delight mixed with a hint of envy and despair. It hits me big time when I realized that there is indeed one thing I have not given much attention to in my life because I was too pre-occupied with my career and other co-curricular activities. I almost forgot that there is something I have not achieved yet in life and that something is huge... relationship.

Relationship is not something new. It is our support system that sustains us through life and its many struggles. Without it we'll hardly survive. People who say that they need no one in their lives are in denial, so much so that the "no man is an island" maxim is just a cliché. We need someone to laugh, cry, talk, argue, fight, or deal with. We need someone to feel secure... to love or to hate... to emulate or contradict.... to listen to our whining or wishful thinking... to share our dreams or hopes [or even the latest gossips].

There are different kinds of relationship but the one that deals with romance - being with someone special... who is willing to sacrifice for you... die for you... grow old with you... spend the rest of his life with you... gee’s... isn't it something? People do need people. We all need someone. [I think] I need someone. And I need someone now, pronto!

So I came into my senses morbidly realizing that I was too preoccupied with a lot of crap in the past few crucial years of my existence. Then, I started to panic because I'm not getting any younger. Then I began to be alarmed because I realized too that my biological clock is ticking and running out of precious time. Then, I started to be scared out of my wits to realize as well that my options reached a dead end. I had no money, no power, no "single-still" friends, no relationship, and no love life. Life sucks!

I will survive. That was my initial reaction. But fear crept in when I suddenly doubted if I still have "it". IT. You know... that certain inexplicable narcissistic orientation one has that spells... C-H-A-R-M. Women often think they have it to the extreme. It is a sense of unconscious egotism and unrealistic self-glorification for something unrealistically untrue or just plain ego-centrism [whatever!].

“It" is what women would give a great deal of effort just to achieve a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction (so they claim). It is what most rich and powerful women would spend their entire fortune just to stay in the running for the sake of being accepted and respected in the social arena. The truth is, it [sub-consciously] became the epicenter of my bruised self-esteem that very moment too.

An unfamiliar dread engulfed me with inexplicable veracity that exposed my vulnerable spirit to the unknown gravity of my personal predicament. It then urged me to have a thorough self-evaluation to calm my nerve down a bit. The constant nagging I get from my colleagues, relatives and other people didn't help either. It only put more pressure on my current pressing dilemma.

Unmasked by the naked truth of what the future brings, I was overpowered with terror by the reality right before my eyes. For the first time in my life I was not that confident of myself anymore.

My hair was a mess. All those hair products I've tried all these years and even the regular visit to the salon for hair treatments [like re-bonding, hair spa, cellophane and what-not] just to achieve that perfect shine and softness that guys fall for [like in the shampoo commercial] just didn't work. The more it made my hair stressed-out, dry and unmanageable.

Those countless bottles and jars of beauty products that I applied on my face and body [day and night] or the regular body scrub, facial massage and foot spa rubbed me off my ability to comprehend the real meaning of the famous expression "beauty is skin deep". I was in deep s _ _ t.

My body, on the other hand, is also not in perfect shape despite the rigid belly dancing, yoga and pilates that I do religiously. And the numerous attempts to starve myself to death just to lose a few pounds were just a waste of time because I gain them right back up after a couple of days because of all those invites I never turned down. South Beach Diet became Yo-yo diet.

Then I gave up. If I can't trust my looks to lure Mr. Right to seduction and if God permits... to marriage... I need to think of something else. I know I got more to offer than good looks. Physical attributes are not really that important. Not all guys are after trophy girlfriends. And not all of them are after money. Good thinking... for I don't have all of the above.

What I got right now is character. And that gave me the drive to do something to deal with the situation. I thought maybe I need to retrieve my active files for prospective future partner [I got a few, though]. Nah!

Seriously, I realized how crazy I was to let go of all those chances I had in the past when I was at the peak of my youth. But there is no room for regrets now. I believe that regret is only for the loser. I am hopeful. I do have doubts though, but I won't dwell in it for I know it's pointless to be hopeful and yet have no faith. Faith gives us the ability to live a hopeful life.


(Continuation on the next post.)

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